originally appeared 05/04/1998
DEAR MR WONDERFUL,
HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPLAIN THE FACT THAT YOUNG FOLKS NOWADAYS ARE THINKING ABOUT JUST ONE THING? SEX SEX SEX, IT'S ALL I EVER HEAR ABOUT ANYMORE. SMOOCHING IN PARKING LOTS, FONDLING ON PARK BENCHES, FUMBLING ON THE BIG BROWN SOFA--DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT MUTUAL RESPECT IS THE ONLY VALID FORM OF INTERACTION IN A GOD-FEARING SOCIETY? IF THEY WOULD STOP TICKLING EACH OTHERS' NIPPLES AND START PLAYING RESPECTFUL PARLOUR GAMES IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR AGED AUNTIES, THE WORLD WOULDN'T BE IN THE MESS IT IS NOWADAYS!!
Dear Bonnie Queen Rita,
Nipple-tickling, eh? What'll they think of next? (A Wonderful Prize to the best suggestion — probably Mister Wonderful living on your couch)
I explain the fact that young folks these days think about nothing but sex by pointing out that we've all been screwed for so long it's tough to get your mind off it.