Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001

Dear Mr Wonderful,

If it isn't dairy, what IS non-dairy creamer, why is it flammable, and why do people still use it (if not for the same reasons that heart patients take nitro-glycerin pills for heart trouble)?


Lactose Tolerant


Dear Mooooooo Cow,

I don't know about you, but I just love Sodium Silicoaluminate. The creamer guys these days don't use it as much as they use the Dipotassium Phosphate, but mmm-mmm, it makes all the difference. Like cheese on a chili dog.

Of course, I spent a couple years on the Borg homeworld.

Peace Corps thing.

All loose powders are flammable. And explosive. That's just oxygen and combustion and whatnot. Sawdust’ll do you right fer. The fact that non-dairy creamer is mostly sugars helps, but it's not like stirring gunpowder into your coffee. Old Ed Teach and I used to do that on board the Queen Anne's Revenge. Stupid idea. Tasted like crap.

Then he suggested we be macho and smoke cigars. Which was fine, really, until he burped and killed the bosun.

Most people don't really enjoy coffee. They drink it to get through another endless day of mindless tasks set by uncaring fools. So they want something to change coffee's color, thicken its texture, and maybe trick themselves into thinking they're having Ovaltine. Recaptured youth. But, fact is, cream curdles. Milk curdles. Non-dairy powder does all that they do for coffee, and can sit on a shelf for months. Right alongside their hopes, dreams and plans for a fulfilling and creative life.