Date: Mon, 07 Oct 2002

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Why do so many supervillains have doctorates? Do they have diplomas hanging up somewhere? Why aren't more superheroes accredited with that particular title?

Yours Truly,

Herr Doktor Professor


Dear Captain Fantastic,

Would you flunk a homicidal lunatic with departiclizer of his own design? No, of course not. It'd be degrees a-plenty!

"Here you go, in a frame like you asked, Mr. Doom!”

“Sign right there for the lab space, friend Octopus!”

“A barrel-full of honorariums for you today, young Evil.”

“Please, Master No, don’t get up. Here's the head of the Dean."

And superheroes? Listen: if superheroes could finish high school they wouldn't need to wear Lycra panties and beat on people with their ham-sized fists, dig? For most of these irradiated ding-dongs life is a choice:

1) swinging around rooftops

2) the swing-shift at McDonald's.

Except for The Batman(R), of course. Batman is the World's Greatest Ham-Sized Detective (tm). Despite his keen wealth, Batman never gained a doctorate - indeed, Gotham State University expelled him. Turns out Batman had Alfred writing all his papers while he stayed out at night "training." Yeah. Training to cry big, wet, girly tears about his mommy.

Now, your supervillain, your basic supervillain, is a criminal genius. Practically by definition. If you just like crime you'll only make it as far as henchman or jailbird, my friend. No, it is the mental flair, the miracle cognitive spark, that separates true Super-Villainy from mere window-smashing thuggery. Can you tell that Mister Dark has been holding his gloved hand on my left shoulder for the last three paragraphs? Yes, and now he's murmuring something about metastasis. Ladies, if you've been waiting for a man with vocabulary and rusty dental equipment, wait no longer.

O dear. I think I need a doctor. And someone to clean the irony out of these pants.