Thu, 07 Dec 2000

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

I'm a little concerned. The Catholics are convinced that only they have the answers, and everyone else is going straight to "the hot place," while most other religions are convinced of the same thing.

The Mormons appear to suffer such an inferiority complex that they're actually making stuff up.

The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 (or thereabouts) are going to heaven - so why do they go door-to-door, trying to overbook the "flight to Heaven" like they're Southwest Airlines or something?

I've recently discovered that my employer believes that the upper layers of the atmosphere were frozen in the past, and that the atmospheric pressure was twice that of today - and that humans grew nine feet tall to cope with the pressure. I'm not sure which sect or cult this is, but he claims to be some sort of Christian.

Now, I believe I'm being persecuted for telling my co-workers that I'm a pantheistic multiperson solipsist.

What should I do?


Dear Martin Luger,

What should you do? How about you resign your membership in the First Church of the Cutesy Clever Smart Ass, Scientist? That might win you a few friends.

And I'm afraid the United Nations has determined that large groups of people giving you a look that means, "Yeah, okay. Whatever" does not constitute religious persecution. Sorry.

We at the Fundamentalist Judaic Manichean Brotherhood for Erisian Liberation from Dichotomy (Anabaptist Hot Tub Division) believe that beliefs are very silly things and should be taken out for Italian food and a carriage ride around the park every once in a while. Philosophers all, we think that thinking is a pretty groovy thing; beliefs tend to be too... final. "Dogma is for the dogs" is one of the many mottoes that we've been meaning to translate into Latin one of these days. Unfortunately, the symposiums tend to get out of hand.

Particularly when we invite the Satanic Cheerleaders. Hoo, boy.

Hey, that's my advice to you: stifle the protests of sincere allus-do-wells by unapologetically walking through town with sexily-skirted free-thinking types. Let the haters choke on their envy; that’s what Jesus did.