Wed, 11 Jul 2001

Dear Wonderful,

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?




Dear Sister Soul,

Boy, if I had nickel for every time I heard that... I'd have 2,376 dollars and 35 cents, most of it collected during the spring of 1976 when Mister Malice bought that Patti Labelle 45 and would not stop playing it, no matter how many times Mister Dark buried him in the garden.

We understand that there's been a re-make of "Lady Marmalade" by some contemporary pop stars. Mister Malice claims to have no interest in hideous young ladies dressed as Dee Snider, but Mister Dark has readied the spade just in case.

HEY! I'd like to interrupt this query, if I may, and share with you all the fantabulous idea I've just had: The Ultimate Undead Action Movie. What you do is, you get Sam and Ivan Raimi to write it, Peter Jackson to direct it and then, and then, it stars Bruce Campbell and Rupert Everett as gun-toting, demon-hunting brothers who team up with Zombie Expert (are you ready?) Joe Bob Briggs to combat a massive graveyard exodus! It'll be chins everywhere! Women will run naked in the streets and strong men will weep. No one will remember the words "Star Wars" or "Titanic" and I, as Executive Producer, will be carried from city to city on a golden pavilion surrounded by throngs of chanting acolytes, to dispense wisdom and Kleenex.

A man can dream, can't he?

Anyways... non. Non, mon petite chou. I would not like to "couch" with you. Not ce soir, not any soir. For one thing, speaking French is a sign of enjoying fruit. For another, I don't sleep with strange women. That's obviously a total lie, but what I mean is, I don't sleep with women who I haven't met previously. And perhaps most importantly, my village burned down while the haunting ABBA song "Voulez Vous" played mysteriously overhead. You don't just get over something like that.

Then there's the fact that you are probably a straight guy trying to bait me. No fair teasing.