Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001

Dear Mister Wonderful,

ok, since you brought it up,

My boyfriend has a thing for my nipples, and (quite frankly) I'm happy to oblige. With Christmas coming up and all, I was wondering if you had any holiday ideas that the four of us could enjoy?

-Perky

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Dear Santa's Little Helper,

The four of us? Well, I suppose I can invite the new Resident from the Alchemy Lab, but don't you think the divan will get crowded?

Oh. Oh wait. I see. Sorry. The four of you. I... no. Not a problem. You kids have a great time. I'm... I’m not invited. Simple as that. Come, Dr. Lucky... we're needed elsewhere.

Mind you, we would’ve brought our own wine and chocolate pudding.

One nice thing about nipples over the holidays is that a simple glance can tell you how cold the weather is. "Chrissakes, Mikey. Throw another log on the fire! Your mother could cut glass." But that's probably not what you had in mind.

Mister Wonderful thinks that Yule is a fine time for a visit from St. Nippolas, but can't believe he actually wrote that down. ANYWAY - if you've already tried bejeweled clamps as stocking stuffers, twirling red and green rubber bands in a burlesque fashion, discovering who can hold up tinsel the longest, egg nog wet T-shirt contests, the "Just warming them up, Reverend" Challenge, seeing whose tongue sticks to the piercing, wearing a mistletoe necklace, and playing "One Night Ultimate Where's Rudolph's Nose?" then you are a fascinatingly jaded couple of nipple freaks and I love you.

So I say go back to basics - break out some Guinness and old sheets, put on a Burl Ives record, and enjoy Christmas, etc. the way they was meant it to be: Declare life in the face of bare fields, heat in the face of white winter, and thank you in the face of long nights. Nipples just come up naturally.

IT'S SO DAMN WONDERFUL IN THE MORNING

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