Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002

Dear Mr Wonderful,

Are clams happy?

Yours truly,

Analogously Content


Dear Oyster Rockefeller,

Listen, my friend - anything that's been in my mouth is happy.

Hey... that'sa good one, eh boss? Like a comedy Satyricon in here, so it is. I'm George Hamilton in a lab coat and not afraid to use it!

Anyway, clams. The main advantage of the clam lifestyle was, for centuries, security. Low interest rates and a booming job market meant plenty of loans for quality calcium shells. Then mammals began moving into beach front property, lowering values and making it unsafe to wash up on the shore. Unfortunately, the clam population never saw it coming. No eyes.

Look, at least I haven't yet made a joke about the silence of the clams.

So, the proverbial happiness of clams is largely a thing of the past, except, of course that they're still little balls of gloop encased in gray shells, ignorant of the wider world and all its troubles. They have the happiness that comes from cutting yourself off from information and quitting the whole evolution gig, which Mister Wonderful thinks is kind of sad, really.

Eschew this "happy." Get in there and live life! Otherwise you get battered by Fate, put in the hot dog bun of Conformity and served as a New England Grade School Hot Lunch of Mediocrity.