ORIGINALLY APPEARED 05/10/1998
I'm afraid that I have a problem of the most unameliable nature. The person who I am currently dating and I have ...um... different sexual appetites. I know this usually causes some problems in a relationship but I never thought it could happen to me.
She wants sex constantly! She would be happy if I could manage 9 or ten times. As it is I struggle to satisfy her twice a session. I mean the girl could wear out a high school football team. I have other assets: hands and such, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes in that brief period between climaxes.
What should I do? How should I handle things? Is there a Wonderlabs concoction that could stimulate my performance?
Dear Mr. Duchovny,
There is an appropriate Wonderlabs Concoction, but it's not for you. Although to be honest, it only treats the symptoms and has some addictive properties. Enough about me.
You are in quite a pickle, my friend. Let's see, I assume that you don't actually want to hire a football team to test your hypothesis. And to have additional sexual organs surgically implanted all over your body would be foolish, because hey, what if you break up? That sort of thing is much harder to explain than a tattoo. Furthermore, you should avoid building robot doubles of yourself. Superman may have fooled Lois with them, but he never had to clean strawberry jam and K-Y Jelly off ‘em.
Mister Wonderful doesn't want to brag, but this isn't the sort of problem he has. That's mostly because he doesn't have a partner right now, but even still, he invites interested parties with a degree in Egyptology to decipher the hieroglyphs at the base of Cleopatra's Needle in London and weep. Anyone who'd like to write in a testimonial is welcome, as well.
What you should do, if you're interested in maintaining monogamy (not necessarily to wisest choice, but people are sentimental) and avoiding electronics, is learn to make love with your mind. When you master the arts of Mental Ecstasy (verbal, visual and psychic paths) there is no way your partner can keep up with you. You'll exhaust her in all sorts of ways before you even enter the bedroom, and once there, you'll be the undisputed king. It works for us.
FRANKLY, MISTER WONDERFUL
A few days later, we received this “testimonial” from one the readers. Honestly. I didn’t write this; it’s all her genius.
Curiously enough, an Elizabethan scholar friend of mine just unearthed the following sonnet that may have some relevance to the situation at hand; they are working on verifying if it was indeed written by the very hand of Queen Elizabeth I herself:
Forsooth, they saye I ame a virgyn queene
Who spendeth e'ry nyte in whytest snowe
Yet nayver would they speek such had they seen
The deeds of one mischeveus fellowe
Who claimed to offer cownsul late one nyte,
For he was wyde repewted wise and shrewd,
Yet cownsul cayme with blowing-owt of lyght
Eke blowing in some other wayes more lewd.
His meet did plumpe when placed upon the spit
And whylome stayed fulle juicy, full, and fatte
Unlike other kelbasas that do split
And too soone burst with hard-to-clean-Kersplatt.
This wond'rous manne did me exhaust fulle rhytte;
I weete Sir Wonderfulle is rightly hight.