Sun, 11 Apr 1999

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Last night I saw The Matrix with some friends of mine, and boy, did that movie remind me of you. My friends, who by some strange circumstances haven't heard of you, asked me to describe you. In a sudden epiphany, I realized (and gave my friends the description) that you are like a cross between Don Juan and William Gibson. Does this seem correct, or do you have a better combination that would most describe yourself?


Dear Sweetcheeks,

Oh, that's good. That's very good. That's certainly one of the best compliments anyone's ever paid me. But have you considered how Mister Wonderful also resembles a cross between...

  • Stephen Hawking and a whoopie cushion?

  • The Encyclopaedia Britannica and bullshit?

  • Captain James T. Kirk and Captain James T. Kirk?

  • Elvis and Gandhi?

  • Charles Foster Kane and Larry Flynt?

  • "Scientific American" and "Highlights for Kids"?

  • Dear Abby and eight hits of acid?

  • Pope Boniface II and King Haakon of Norway?

  • A quark and and a boojum?

  • Orson Welles' voice and Nostradamus' press agent?

  • The Bible and an ounce of common sense?

  • The Men in Black and Pee-Wee Herman?

  • Emperor Nero and Alice Cooper?

  • The Popol Vuh and David Lee Roth?

  • UNIVAC and HAL?

  • A good idea and a waste of time?

I could go on… and will.