Date: Mon, 08 Sep 2003
After 32 years of perfect, nae, better than perfect vision (20/15 at one time), tomorrow I pick up my first pair of prescription eyeglasses. I have accepted that Father Time is a cruel master and has inflicted this malady on me. Now that I must bear this albatross, what other ways, besides helping me see when I drive at night, may I use this eyewear?
Dear X. Ray Spex,
You know, Dorothy Parker once said: "Boys seldom have glasses with girls who make asses." Then she slipped messily under the table and fumbled at the buttons on Harpo Marx's trousers while the jazz played on and on around us in a smoky hashish haze.
Your business is your business, but Mister Wonderful suggests that you leave the albatross in the closet when going out at night. Dead sea bird can ruin the effect of a smart apricot scarf. This is the voice of experience talking - I was at this party with Carly Simon and she totally blew the whole thing out of proportion with that "You're So Ancient (Mariner)" song.
The best way to use a pair of eyeglasses is, of course, to use them to make sure that the beautiful creature across the dance floor is indeed your mountain of mojo and not a sniveling little folksinger who's going to whine to Mick Jagger about "your behavior." A haircut can fool you at a distance if your peepers are not peppered.
Another great use for eyeglasses is to completely dupe the city of Metropolis into thinking you are mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent when, in reality, you are hung over. Glasses do a marvelous job of disguising dark circles, bloodshot eyes, and other hazards of the mystery man trade. Excelsior!