Date: Mon, 12 Aug 2002

Dear Mister Wonderful,

I am spending time in Washington, DC and am quite overwhelmed by the range of landmarks, museums, historic houses, and other assorted hotspots around town. Can you recommend a list of "must-sees" here in the District?

--Belva Ann

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Dear Mary Land,

Actually, I seem to recall losing some Innocence in the middle of the Potomac back in 1985. Could you see about picking it up for me? It's sort of purple and glowing and tied up with a really thin white leather tie and attached to an investigator from the Meese Commission. Thanks.

Listen - the Reagan years were tough. We all did things we're not proud of now, usually while wearing excessively zippered pants.

Getting out the photo albums: Mister Wonderful thinks you ought to visit the Marion Barry Memorial Crack Alley, the Charlie Sheen Vietnam Film Veteran Memorial, the Memorial Memorial of Memories Memorial, the Bastards of the Presidents Gallery, the Bill of Rights Trampling Zoo, Arlington National Creamery, the Big Dick Missile Pointed At You Monument, the Dolly Madison Whorehouse, the Tomb of the Several People Who Snitched, the Hall of Broken Promises, the Shame Mall, the Strangelove Home for Useful Nazis, the Invisible Tribute to Native Americans and the Library of Physical Congress.

Mister Dark recommends visiting Ford's Theatre to take in the "Great Moments With Mister Lincoln's Brain Matter" tour.

Mister Malice recommends the Tidal Basin just north of the Jefferson Memorial for suicides. "Do it during the spring Cherry Blossom festivities for maximum poignancy. Do it with sodium in your pockets for maximum fun."

IN THE PORT OF WONDERFUL

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