Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Do vitamins actually do any good, or are they just market-hype to get you to buy what is tantamount to just a big inert placebo that makes you piss orange? While they're at it, why can't they market one that makes you piss in various colors?
What, like there's some vast nutritional conspiracy, some dark metabolic cabal bent on studying the habits of gullible humans given to daily ritual by staining their urine, tracking them through complex water analysis and noting their density and migration so that a dynamic cult leader type might learn the optimal moment and location to launch a lucrative "feel good" brain washing movement for his own personal aggrandizement, utilizing an unmistakable combination of humor and wisdom?
Heh. Don't be ridiculous. That damned Complex Water Analyzer hasn't worked since 1942. Cheap Belgian tuning rods.
Listen friend, the only vitamin you need to worry about is good ol' Vitamin G. That's the nourishing element present in every creamy pint of Guinness Stout. Mmmmm. Guinness: Better than Blood.
By the way, if any representatives of the Guinness Corporation or its affiliates are reading this, I am available for celebrity endorsement. You'd be surprised at how cheap I come.
The rest of you stop giggling. I'm working here.
Cults and cups aside, there are no drug companies willing to market to the man who wants to have a rainbow of urine. They find that mentioning pee in the advertisements is a turn-off. As usual, I blame the Puritans.
Mister Dark has offered to show you a method by which you could piss red for a month, but if I were you, I'd change my name and live the rest of my life as a South American alpaca herdsman.