Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000

Dear Sirs,

I have a couple of questions for Messrs. Wonderful, Dark, and Malice.

What is the greatest comic book movie of all time? Are there any comics that are screaming out to be laid down on film?

J. Jonah Jameson


Dear J. Jonah Jameson,

Mister Dark here. Mister Wonderful has injured his own self while striving to come up with a "screaming out to be laid" joke.

A quick survey of the Labs conducted at knife-point indicates substantial support for my position: "Comic Book Movies Suck Dead Donkey Dick, Always Have, Always Will, Especially That Batman Crap", with an error margin of plus or minus two percent. That two percent being The Mad Scientist and The Mad Bomber, who were too busy constructing "something that will make the Joker's gun look like Darth Maul's lifespan" to reply.

I, for one, grow quite fond of those boys.

Mister Wonderful, moaning from the floor, foolishly contradicts me and casts a vote for Superman II. Bah, I say. That Zod bitch infringes on my copyright.

Mister Malice seems not to care that I know where he sleeps, and he votes for the 1949 Batman and Robin serial starring Robert Lowery. Mister Malice also has sex with animals.

In the wish list category, Mister Wonderful has recovered enough to suggest that Phil Foglio's "XXXenophile" comic is screaming out to be laid just about everywhere. For this you people stick around?

Mister Malice would like to see a film version of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's "Watchmen" just so he can watch the ending over and over while eating blood pudding.

Despite worries that it would be ruined by the moronic presence of Captain “Shazam” Marvel, I think a convincing rendition of Fawcett's "Monster Society of Evil" might be entertaining. But only if I am allowed to play myself.