Date: Sat, 28 Sep 2002

Dear Mister Wonderful,

What do you think of Ronald McDonald as a child's icon, who apparently is more recognized than even the President or Jesus out here in this odd place we call North America?

Is there any way to stop him, or his counterpart, Mickey Mouse? Since the two of them are in cahoots, backed by the truly evil and funded by the masses, are they unstoppable? Aren't they the true "Supervillians" of our time (as opposed to Gorilla Grod, the Green Goblin, and Galactus, who are merely comic book heroes who don't actually sell kids anything but true dreams and the wit and wisdom that all comics bring to good kids)?

Yours Truly,

Chaotic Neutral


Dear d20,

Wait. You mean Ronald McDonald isn't the President?

Now that's damned peculiar. I may be lying disheveled on the floor surrounded by confused cats and hastily constructed pillow forts, but I thought for sure Miss Yakamoto told me it was some clown in the White House. No? Well, that's what I get for mixing my cocktails in the dark. In the Pharmacy. With a flour scoop.

Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald walk into a bar.

"I'll have a scotch," says Ronald.

"What about the mouse?" asks the bartender.

"That's not a mouse, that's a castrated dwarf with records on his head."

You know, Real Life would be a lot simpler if villains took the comic book route and called themselves, say, DOOM. Or Sinestro. Or Snidely Whiplash - anything remotely honest. Then again, if they were honest about it they wouldn't be as evil. Which rather proves your theory that cackling madmen bent on destruction and terror like Professor Death are better people, morally speaking, than the Microsoft Corporation. Or Lucasfilm. Speaking of which, what about the secret tunnel I've heard tell lies between Skywalker Ranch and Neverland Ranch? Et tu, Captain Eo? And NAMBLA goes so far as to have "Love" in their name. Yes. Chew on that.

I think I'm going to have to lie down now. Yes, here comes Miss Yakamoto with the syringe. Let me leave you with this: Telling stories is the most important thing we can do - because in Real Life, the villains never think they are villains. Stories help us recognize the wolves, even in wool.