Originally published August 7, 2012

Congratulations, Mister Wonderful!

Isn’t fruit yummy?


Dear Pineapple Pokopo,

We’ve been over this.

FRUIT R—hang on a tic. Where’d my Archives go?

I know I used to have some. I remember. They would itch like mad in high summer.


Typical. I get trapped by an evil supercomputer of my own design for barely six years or so, and when I return, my whole internet presence is blown.

So that’s what HALvetica 2000 meant by “When Geocities is ashes, you have my permission to die." Okay. Leaving the story of how I escaped the virtual world created by my own seriously awesome, but unfortunately lethal, computing device behind, I’ll try to get all the old queries up. Soonish.

Anyway. Point is. Here’s what Mister Wonderful said about fruit back in February 1998:

"I’ve been having a lot of weird feelings in the old wonderful gut of late. Some say it’s the approaching apocalypse, some say it’s the frozen foods, some heathen blame Taco Bell and booze, but lemme tell you: if it’s not a tapeworm or an ulcer (or a tapeworm named Ulcer) then I bet you it’s this damned fresh fruit I’ve been trying lately.

Let me tell you about fruit: it rots. It’s designed to rot. Nature made a seed with a cover that would decompose and feed a tree. It’s not for us! It’s a time bomb of pestilence and disease. The only ambulatory things that should eat fruit are cockroaches and other expertly evolved creatures that can stomach pure poison.

Fruit is an accident destined to happen. You know what a fruit’s biggest thrill is? You eat it, walk around for a day or two, get good and far from its original tree, then keel over and die of gastroenteritis. Bonus decomposition! Die for the father tree!

It’s disgusting, that’s what it is. You can call me a kingdomist if you want, I don’t care. I think we should only die to feed other Animals, like molerats. In fact, I can think of a couple people I’d like to feed to the molerats right now. Make the Martha Stewart joke on your own.”

Fruit is yummy like oil is flammable. True: but is experiencing it worth the risk?

WONDERFUL LABS: Put Your Moaning Where Your Mouth Is