July 31, 2012— really?!
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I can remember times when I was just a lad in school, why, sometimes I’d just be sitting in class when, from out of the fluorescent vacancy, I’d be overtaken by such a boundless sense of yearning optimism that I’d raise a poignant hand and ask a really excellent question, I’d engage with the Learning, I would, in some mental and spiritual sense, burst into blossom.
Alas, the years have passed and now I find myself sneaking cigarettes, snarling at the other motorists, thinking about drinking. What the fuck happened? What happened to them spring ponies with skin on they ears the texture of a girl’s hand? Why is this world such a mindless, simpering bitch?
P.S. Alternatively, if this is a bit much, I’ll simply ask: Is baseball really worth it?
Dear Steamed Punk,
Ummm… I’ll take the baseball one.
Think how much poorer the English language would be without baseball. The dating scene alone would lose some of it’s most succinct and powerful turns of phrase. Where would we be without “Striking out”, or “Getting to Second Base”, or “Shagging Balls”?
You can’t talk about how the night went with cricketing terms. Well, “sticky wicket”, but that’s quite specific.
Or how about this: Say you’re a shady psychic. Rather, say you know two shady psychics who run the gift shop over your Laboratory, and they’d like a handy go-to phrase for dealing with skeptics because their previous methods of persuasion 1) yielded no new revenue streams, and 2) made clean up a bitch. You “go to bat” for them and come up with this gem: “Of course humans can predict the future: otherwise no one would ever be able to catch a baseball.”
Sports saving lives once again.
* * *
As to your other issues, maybe you’re not wearing the right underwear. So many times in life, we think the world has crumbled into an ashen pile of broken promises and unrealized potential when really, we just need to slip on a colorful G-string and feel sexy again.