August 14, 2012
Dear Mister Wonderful,
While watching the (freaking awesome!!) landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars tonight, I was really impressed with all of the fantastic scientists in the control room. Especially the handsome young Activity Lead with the mohawk. Is he single?
–Redblooded American Patriot
Dear Buzz-Buzz Aldrin,
The man’s name is, as I’m sure you all know by now, Bobak Ferdowsi. No lie.
Forget “is he single”, is he even verified human? A name like that, he’s probably an Iotian. A damned handsome Iotian - don’t get me wrong - but this country isn’t ready for inter-species marriage. Our good friend Mister Monkey proved that with the riots he started in Fresno. And if you ask me, those photographs were tasteful.
Then again, Mohawk Lad’s name is an obvious anagram for Dirk “Woof” Babes. I can easily envisage a scenario where legendary opera gunman Leopold Babes had a secret son before his death by wombat combat in 1981. The son, raised in exile by the League of Serpentine Zen, would be trained in all the classic science-fighting techniques, as well as advanced Miskatonic love-making. Nothing could stand in the way of such a prodigy swimming into Cambridge by night, hacking the mainframe to insinuate himself in the student population of MIT, and having years of wacky Real Genius type adventures.
All in service, of course, to gaining a position at JPL, the public front for Jack Parsons’ Legacy - a shadowy coven of nuclear warlocks who seek to conjure the world-ending Deathsteroid Aether. And maybe some girlfriends. Once Woof is established there, he can destroy the Onyx Altar and free the Uncanny Score, finishing his father’s work.
I mean, I haven’t given it much thought. That just seems likely.
Oh, and he is seeing someone. She’s nice.